Come and visit me at my new blog. I am also keeping this blog open as well.

http://crackpot.mindsay.com/

Yeah, I've been sick!I had the shits so bad I broke my toilet and had to throw it out. I ditched the bowl in an alley across town a few days ago. I drove by the alley today to see if the toilet was still there. It was..... it was being used by a homeless guy who set up camp there. He was reading the front page of a crumpled up old newspaper while shitting on my old toilet. The guy looked up at me as I drove by and he didn't even flinch.

 My ass is so raw from crapping that I've had to put vaseline between the crack of my ass just to get relief from the redness and soreness. I stopped wearing underwear until my ass stops hurting! The shits have died down, but I still fart like hell, and the vaseline makes for some really wet sounding farts!

I had some really great chinese food last night. I ate prawns with walnuts, rice, spring rolls, and chow mein. What a treat.

Good fucking night!

I went to the movies today and saw "Just like Heaven", and "Flightplan". Just like Heaven sucked, but Flightplan was very good. I like Reese Witherspoon, but what a waste of her talent in that movie. I couldn't wait for it to end. After the piece of crap ended, I snuck into Flightplan. I figured since I wasted almost $7.00 on a "Matinee" price, I might as well get my money's worth.

I also snuck in my own food since I don't care for the junk they sell at the theater. I brought in a sandwich that I bought at the deli, and the sandwich was as bad as the first movie. The giant cookies I purchased were good though, and I scarfed all three down, and they were huge. Yawn, I am so tired!

My ex girlfriend and I took a ride into the city yesterday to have an early dinner. The ex decided she wanted to hop cable cars, "for the fun of it". I have to tell you, I am not into doing the tourist thing when I'm in San Francisco. I'd prefer to drive. Anyway, I'm easy, so I agreed. We got a cable car at Hyde St. and proceeded on our merry way. I was looking forward to the Italian meal we were going to enjoy. My ex and I sat down, and at the next stop a huge fat woman sat down beside me. As soon as she settled into her seat I regretted getting on the CC.

The woman smelled like she hadn't scrubbed her ass in ages. She wasn't poor looking, as a matter of fact, she was clutching an expensive purse. The problem was obviously laziness on her part. My ex girlfriend even gave me a funny look as she held her nose. I got up to walk to the other end of the cable car, but the operator of the CC shot me a look that said, stay in your seat fat boy. I sat down fast. I felt all eyes were upon me.

The trip seemed to take an entirety, but eventually we got to our stop. Unfortunately the fat woman got off at the same stop, and even more unfortunately she followed us into the same Italian restaurant and sat down at the table beside us. I could smell her ass aroma, and all I could do was sit there and suffer. I've never smelled such nasty ass funk in my life. I'll bet the woman's size 18 high waisted cotten underwear (just a guess) were raw inside.

My dinner arrived along with an ice cold beer . I told the waiter I'd give him a hundred dollar bill if he brought the woman a bar of soap with her order. The waiter replied, "yeah right, just eat your dinner and stop fucking with the customers".

I left the waiter a bar of used soap from the men's restroom as a tip, but not before I swiped it through the crack of my ass.

Last night I went to the Fog City Diner with my friends Paul and Matt for dinner. Now this diner is a bit more upscale as opposed to your average diner that serves greasy burgers & fries (my favorite)  The Fog City Diner is a little pricey. They serve a lot of seafood.....what else would it serve being in the  heart of San Francisco. I love to listen to the tourists jabbering away in their native tongue....I hear quite a bit of Chinese, Japanese, French, German, etc. I love to people watch, and San Francisco is the best place on earth to do it.

During dinner I had to fart like you wouldn't believe, but I do have manners in public, so I decided to hold it in until I got outside, but that wasn't to be. The gas

pains got so bad I knew I couldn't hold my wind inside any longer. The noise in the restaurant was at a high volume thanks to a full house, so I very slowly lifted my right leg a few inches and let loose with the biggest and loudest fart in the history of my life. A very cute waitress taking orders nearby gave me a filthy look and as she passed my table, and I heard her say, "what a fucking loser". I was mortified to say the least. I got up and told my friends I would meet them outside.

This afternoon I placed a call to the diner and asked to speak to the waitress from last night. I gave the manager the best description I could of the waitress. The manager told me I just decribed Cassandra. He told me to hold the line while he called her to the telephone.

About a minute passed before she said hello. I explained to her who I was, and told her I called to apologize. Before I could say another word she berated me for being "a fucking pig in public". Futhermore, she exclaimed, " The chair you were sitting in last night had to be steamed cleaned this morning , you fat bastard.

Holy shit, I was turning as red as a beet. I wanted to crawl under a rock. I stammered once again that I was sorry, but to no avail.The waitress told me I was a "fat slob" and "a pig", and that she hoped the next time I farted like that, that my insides would explode.

Fog City Diner Menu

Visit From Cousin Larry

My cousin Larry called last week and asked if he could spend a night or two at my place since I was so close to friends he was coming to visit. Larry lives in Alaska and decided to come to Northern California to visit friends in the Napa Valley. I said "Sure, you are more than welcome to stay a few nights with me". I need to tell you right off that I despise Larry.

When I was seven years old he did some awful things to me. One day my parents left me in his care. Larry was twelve at the time to my seven, anyway, as soon as my parents left the house Larry threw me to the ground and sat on my face, not hard enough to cause any pain, but just enough so that when he started farting I would have no choice but to snort it. I begged the mother fucker to let me up, but no dice! The son of a bitch kept me down and farted in my face for a good twenty minutes. When he finally let me up my face was blue, and I was sick.

So when Larry called and asked to spend a few days with me I readily agreed to put him up. Larry arrived last Sunday and I picked him up at SFO. During our ride back to my place just north of the Golden Gate Bridge, we made some small talk. Larry kept asking me if I remembered all the good times we had as kid's. I just looked at him and without giving myself away, I said, "Oh yeah Larry, I remember, how could I ever forget". I wanted to reach over and bitch slap his fat face. Okay.....we get back to my place and Larry said he wanted to take a nap because he was extremely tired from having to sit at the airport for so long while waiting for his flight to depart. I showed the fucker into my spare room and told him to make himself at home.

I waited and waited until I was sure he was asleep, and then I made my move. I went into the bedroom and sure enough he was sound asleep, so I tied his arms to the bedposts, and then I went back into the kitchen were I ate three cans of baked beans, raw cabbage, an onion (raw) I drank three beers, (beer really gives me gas) and then I went back into the room where asshole was snoring up a storm.

I got up on the bed and sat my big fat ass right above his flared nostrils. I dropped my pants and then I threw a glass of iced water in Larry's face to wake him up. I wanted him awake for this! Larry woke up and said, "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE MAN". I replied, "do you remember what you did to me when I was seven".....Larry moaned, "OH SHIT, I AM SORRY BRO". I didn't say another word, I let my ass do all the talking. By the time I got through with the dumb fuck he was not only blue in the face, but purple as well. As soon as I untied him he ran into the bathroom and got sick. Hey, I didn't have time to shower before I picked Larry up at the airport, and after an early morning workout I am sure my ass stunk to hell and back.

Larry got his things and left, but before he hit the front door he turned around and said, " you are one sick fuck". I just grinned and said, "Come on back any time.

My sister and brother in law invited me over for dinner last night and I was grateful, because after working a full day I didn't feel like cooking. My sister served up a great pork rib dinner with baked beans, asparagus, salad, and banana cake for dessert.

The three of us were watching the news when my brother in law Gary and I decided to get a second piece of cake. We both walked into the kitchen at the same time to discover there was only one piece of cake left. We both went for it, but I beat Gary to the last slice of cake. I practically put the whole piece in my mouth so Gary wouldn't get his fat hands on it. Gary fought me for the piece of cake so hard he even knocked me to the ground and tried to rip the dessert from my hands.

Gary is a fat slob and a selfish one at that. After I downed the cake I went back into the living room and sat down to watch the rest of the news. Gary came back into the room with a scowl on his face. My sister Pam said to the fat fuck, "what's  wrong"......Gary replied, " Chevy ate the last piece of cake, and I wanted it". My sister told Gary to "grow up" which made me laugh so hard I felt a turd slip out of my ass and soil my drawers. I guess Gary had the last laugh, the mother fucker!

It was inevitable. My girlfriend Mary and I broke up after being together for an astounding eighteen months. Why is 18 months so astounding you wonder? Because we fought like fucking Cats & Dogs. Mary has a great ass, it's big and round, like a full moon, and when she sashays across a room it makes me crazy.  

My big butted ex girlfriend and I had a lot in common though, we both LOVE food, and I'm not sure who thinks and talks about food more, Mary or myself. Mary and I would take walks because we both claimed to "want the exercize", so we would stroll downtown,  and every restaurant we passed, Mary would stop and read the menu that was posted to the window.

I loved this ritual of hers. I would stand there in awe of her as she read off each and every menu item, including the price, as passerby's would just stare in amazement at her eloquent oration of the daily specials.  

I always thought Mary was my soul/twin mate, and sometimes I still do. Both Mary and I are great cooks, but I have to tell you folks, nobody could prepare roast beef like my big butted gal. I would sit at the dinner table and gaze down at my sliced roast beef smothered in her homemade gravy with mashed potatoes, carrots, and the most awesome homemade bread I ever tasted.

Mary would always make my favorite dessert, Blueberry Cobbler to end a perfect meal. Oh how I'm going to miss her cooking.